Being away from their children for an extended period of time is an inevitable necessity for many mothers today. Some need to travel for work or like to travel without children for leisure and may wonder what effect being away have on children.
Brief Separation May Have a Positive Effect
Being separated from mom is an important part of a child’s social and emotional development. In an interview with Suite101, Igna Beukes, an educational psychologist in Mpumalanga, South Africa, said that all young children should have the opportunity to experience the full circle of separation, loss and reunion with their primary caregivers, even if it is accompanied by temporary fear and stress.
The Separation Period Must be Handled With Care
It is through this process that a child discovers that she is capable to deal with separation and it reinforces her self-respect, self-knowledge and self-confidence. However, it is important that children are not exposed to separation for too long and that the separation process is handled with care. If this is not done, the separation may be extremely traumatic and may lead to several psychological problems both immediately and later in life.
Beukes says it is normal for children to show some form of anxiety or stress in the period that their mother is away or when she returns. Babies from around eight months may get depressed and may not seem interested in their environments whereas older children may show anxiety, clinginess and anger.
Naturally Sensitive Children are More At-Risk
The effects of separation on children who are naturally sensitive are more severe and it is usually easier to cope for children after three years of age or if they are attached to multiple caregivers. Some children behave unnaturally well with the caregiver and does not even seem to miss their mother, but when mom returns they release all the pent up anxiety and anger and refuse to even give their mother a hug or let her out of their sight. All this behavior is considered to be normal and may take a few days or weeks to normalize.
Beukes says that while the mother is gone, the child may go through different phases of grieving. She may go through an angry phase where she cries a lot, is clingy and throws tantrums or she may go through a phase of deep sadness and longing when she may be inconsolable.
If the separation continues, she may even start to detach herself emotionally from her mom. The duration of these phases varies from child to child and it is important that the caregiver is prepared to deal with these phases and behaviors in a way that makes the child feel that her emotions are important. The caregiver must be able to supply lots of love, support and encouragement to the child. A child who is well prepared for the separation, should settle within a reasonable time, usually a few days.
How to Know When Professional Help is Needed for Separation Anxiety
Some children may need extra support from professional people to cope with the separation. Beukes says that if any of the following behaviors occur and keep on for more than four weeks after the mother has returned the child may need help to cope:
- Constant over-reaction when she is separated from her mother for a short period, for example going to school.
- Abnormal worry that something will happen to mom and that the child will loose her.
- Abnormal fear that something unexpected may lead to separation like getting lost or being abducted.
- Refusal to go to play group or nursery school because she is scared of being separated from mom.
- Abnormal fear to be alone or without her mom.
- Refusal to go to sleep without her mom.
- Recurrent nightmares with a separation theme.
- Regression in development for example potty training.
- Constant headaches, tummy aches and nausea.
It is inevitable that parents will spend some time away from their children during the early years of their children’s lives. This period of separation can built the child’s self-confidence if handled correctly and the parents are not away for an extended period of time.
