Divorce statistics are rising world wide. It is estimated that 50% of children who experience divorce will someday go through a divorce themselves, says Dr James Dobson in his book Bringing Up Boys (Focus on the Family, 2003). Although divorce may mean escape out of an abusive situation for some children, very few go through the process unharmed.
Effect of Divorce on Children
Dr. Elize Groenewald is a clinical social worker in private practice in Bloemfontein. She is a qualified play therapist and has a special interest in using play therapy to help children deal with divorce. In an interview with Suite101, Dr. Groenewald said a divorce is a painful and stressful event in a family’s life and parents and children may take anything from two to five years to adjust after a divorce.
Children May Believe They are Responsible for the Divorce
Dr. Groenewald says that in her practice most children believe that they are somehow responsible for the divorce and that they had to be removed from their mothers or fathers because they were not good enough. Children often believe this message subconsciously and it has a negative effect on their behavior.
Most children hate the changes brought about by divorce. For years after the divorce they may still experience pain and a longing for things the way they were and even hope that their parents may get back together.
How Parents Can Help Children Cope With Divorce
Dr. Groenewald says that research about the effects of divorce on young children suggests that parents can help their children through the process to prevent serious behavioral problems.
How to Help 0 to 12-Month-Old Children During a Divorce
In this age group, the following behavior can be present:
- Fussiness and irritability.
- Sleepiness and showing little reaction to the environment.
The behavior of children in this age group is usually a reaction to the mother’s emotions. The chaos and stress associated with the divorce will eventually get less. Moms should try to take time to relax with their baby through cuddling, singing and playing. If this does not come naturally, schedule 20 minutes, three times a day for play time. Ask and accept help from friends and family.
How to Help 12- to 24-Month-Old Children During a Divorce
In this age group, the following behavior can be present:
- Clinginess and excessive crying.
- Excessive crying during bed time.
Children in this age group need their mother’s presence to feel safe enough to explore the world. The divorce may cause the child to fear that she will lose her mother. Don’t let too many different people look after her during this period. Allow her child to have a comfort object like a blanket, bottle or teddy. Don’t let her cry continually during bed time. Reassure her by going to her when she needs it.
How to Help 3- to 5-Year-Old Children During a Divorce
In this age group, the following behavior can be present:
- Regression, for example in potty training or talking like a baby.
- Possessiveness and/or excessive neatness.
- Behavior that is too good.
A child’s reaction to stress often involves behaving like a baby to recreate a safe period in her life. Don’t reprimand her for this behavior, support her and she will most likely grow out of it again. A child might also try to create order for herself out of the chaos. Allow her to be as neat as she needs to be while reminding her that her parents are there for her. Explain to her when which changes will take place.
Preschool children believe that they are the focal point of everything that happens in their world. They often blame themselves for the divorce and try to fix the situation by being too good. Explain to the child that it is not her fault and that she is loved unconditionally.
How to Help 6-Year-Old Children During a Divorce
The following behavior can be observed in this age group:
- Manipulation.
- Over responsibility.
Parents who fight for the child’s loyalty through gifts or privileges can give the child reason to try to manipulate the parents. Refuse to be part of her manipulation games, it can negatively influence her development. On the other hand, a mother’s emotional needs may cause the child to act responsibly above the norm for her age. Encourage her to be interested in games and toys for her age so that she doesn’t miss just being a child.
If a child’s behavioral problems persist, the family might benefit from professional help in the form of Play Therapy.
Divorce can be a devastating event in a young child’s life. Parents can help their children cope by being alert to behavioral signs that the child has unexpressed emotions. Providing the right support for children during divorce is vital and in some cases, professional help may be needed.
