One of the most crucial moments for children who have been abused is when the parents find out what have been done to the child. The parents’ reaction can either help the child onto the road to recovery or scar the child with additional feelings of guilt and isolation.
What to Do When a Child Talks About Abuse for the First Time
Focus on the Family recommends in its book Baby and Child Care From Pre-Birth Through the Teen Years (Tyndale House Publishers, 1997) that when a child discloses any form of abuse to an adult, that the adult should:
- Always believe the child,
- Take steps to protect the child,
- Assure the child that it is not his or her fault and,
- Report the abuse to legal authorities as soon as possible.
Things to Remember When Talking With a Child About Abuse
The adult talking to the child about sexual abuse should:
- Let the child know that she believes her.
- Let the child know that she is glad the child told her.
- Let the child know she is sorry this has happened to her.
- Let the child know that it is not her fault.
- Let the child know she will get some help.
Things to Avoid When Communicating With Young Kids About Abuse
When talking to a child about sexual abuse avoid the following:
- Calling the child a liar.
- Blaming the child for what has happened.
- Telling the child that she got what she deserved.
- Allowing the child to be abused further.
- Discussing the disclosure with others in front of the child.
The adult in whom the child is confiding should try not to show shock and ensure that all conversations take place privately and quietly. It may be necessary to tell the child that it will be needed to tell specific other people in order to get help and to stop the abuser from abusing again. Stay calm, reassuring and non-judgmental during the conversation.
Finding the Right Words to Communicate About Sexual Abuse With Preschool Children
Explaining to toddlers and preschool children what to do when someone wants to touch their body may be tricky because their language skills may not be adequate to grasp the full meaning of the words. Make sure that they understand at least the following concepts:
- That certain parts of their bodies are private. An easy way to explain is to say that everything that is covered by a swimming costume is private. Make sure the child knows what private means – “Private means it is just yours. Nobody is allowed to touch it.”
- That they understand what nobody means. Be very specific when you explain this. “Nobody means not your friend, not mommy, not daddy, not granny, not grandpa, not your teacher and not Uncle Jim. Mommy (or another caregiver) may only touch your private parts with a washcloth to clean it when you bath or with toilet paper when you go to the toilet or to put medicine on when you are sick in your private parts.”
- That nobody is allowed to tell her not to tell mommy or daddy what they did.
- That there is a difference between a secret and a surprise. “Nobody is allowed to make you keep a secret mommy or daddy doesn’t know about, but it is fine to keep a surprise for mommy that will make her happy like a gift or a party.”
- That they can say "no" when someone touches them or speak to them in a way that they don’t like.
- That they have to listen to their friends if they say "no" when they are touched or spoken to in a way that they don’t like.
When trying to get more information from a child about what happened during a specific incident, don’t ask direct questions which may seem threatening to a child. Rather make general statement such as: “It makes mommy sad that there are naughty boys that want to touch a girl's private part.”
Sexual abuse in early childhood is an unfortunate fact in most communities. Parents can assist their children in communicating about abuse on a level that they can comprehend. How parents react to disclosure of abuse can set the tone for the road to recovery. If a parent suspects abuse, play therapy may be helpful for the child to disclose what happened to her.
